Saturday, August 20, 2011



All right, I walked into the AMC movie theater knowing that this movie was rated R. Perhaps it should have been rated K... for the abundant Killing that takes place right from the start.

Jason Momoa [who played the role of a young lifeguard in Baywatch over 10 years ago] is the swashbuckling barbarian in this new 3D movie. And his father, Corin, played by Ron Perlman, is a mighty Cimmerian  Warlord... who actually cuts open the stomach of his dying wife during a war scene at the onset of the movie, in order to perform an emergency operation that speeds up the birth. Hence the utilized movie tag line: "his first taste was of his mother's blood".

The storyline is centered around a particular mask with mystical powers, which has octopus-like tentacles amended to it, in place of straps to hold it in place. The mask is said to yield necromancer powers, and it can summon spirits from the dead to empower its possessor. Following the defeat of an Acheronian Necromancer Warlord who had that mask in ancient times [after the oceans consumed the mystical land of Atlantis in the middle of the Atlantic ocean], the mask is broken up into multiple pieces and divided amongst many clan leaders, who hide the fragments away across the far reaches of the known world.

And this all appears to happen over a span of 1,000 years in the movie's past timeline.

 [Corin, Conan the Barbarian's father shown above, along with a young Conan in the first pic]

Next Conan is shown briefly with his father and their clan. And the young boys in the village of...
...the barbarians have a contest for transporting small eggs in their mouths across an uncharted frosty forest pathway, around the mountain pass and back to the village. During that competitive race, some savage mongol warriors attack the boys, and all of them flee... except for Conan, who gets ambushed by four of the savages. But before you can blink, the young Conan literally opens a can of whoop-ass and takes down four grown men, first using a chiseled stick like a dagger, and then utilizing dropped axe weapons. He returns to the village of his Cimmerian tribe with four decapitated heads. All eyes are on him and his father appears to be rather nonchalant about the savage nature of his young son... and the violence and gore continue from there, right after Conan gets a lesson about fire and ice, as the joint forging tools for the perfect blade.

[Above: Conan, played by Jason Momoa]

The Barbarian tribe is soon attacked by a vicious Gothic Warlord named Khalar Zym [played perfectly by  Stephen Lang], who appears to be nearing the end of his quest to find and recombine the pieces of the mystical mask. Soon the village of the Cimmerian tribe is overrun by an evil coalition of diverse clans, who all serve Zym. And once the hidden piece held by Conan's father is discovered by the young witch-girl [the daughter of Khalar Zym], Conan's father is slain by a boiling bath of magma used for forging swords in a blacksmiths coven. BTW, the Gothic witch-girl was played by Rose McGowan... and she had a huge forehead in this role.

The young warrior Conan is the only survivor of the attack and he vows to avenge his father, while his village burns. Time passes and the voice of Morgan Freeman helps to transition things from childhood to adulthood for the hero.

Years later, Conan teams up with a sturdy black warrior with long braids called Ukafa [who sounds like he's from Jamaica] and they appear to be the chief members of a pirate band that go about freeing slaves from tyrants, while tracking down the Warlord Khalar Zym.

Soon the trail leads towards an isolated mountain-encased monastery, where a heroic damsel resides with her peaceful people. Her name is Tamara [and she is played by  Rachel Nichols]. She is apparently an heir of the ancient evil Acheronian Necromancer clan that wielded the mystical octopus mask and she is called a Pure-Blood.

Tamara flees from the lofty monk refuge during a battle and just like a prophecy foretold, she runs into Conan and their destinies become intertwined. He doesn't know who she is at first, but after a while he finds out that Khalar Zym [who sent a host of goons on horseback to capture Tamara] wants her for a peculiar reason.
Thus Conan begins to use her as bait. The couple eventually fall in love, and later they have a passionate love scene in a dark cave.

Later Tamara is captured and taken to a tall tower built into a mountainous area, where a sacrificial ceremony is set up in order to drain her blood and use it to empower the mask. Of course, Conan comes to the rescue, and in the end he prevails.

I'm sure Arnold would be proud -->

Back in 1982, Arnold SwarzenFingger played Conan. And in those days he was a true powerhouse... he could perform a dead-lift of 680 Pounds - and that means he could bodyslam the 400-Pound-wrester Brodus Clay with ease; back then he could probably do things that would amaze fans of a certain WWE wrestler named John Cena. Whats that? You said I butchered Arnold's his last name?
"Well, My bad, somebody call his mama." LOL

If you don't know who Brodus Clay is, check out this video of the Funky Funkasaurus:




Descriptions From top left in the first row, and down to the second row: Conan [played by Jason Momoa], Tamara [actress Rachel Nichols], Ukafa [the black guy with braids, actor Rob Sapp], Khalar Zym the main villain [actor Stephen Lang, the bad guy from Avatar], Khalar and his evil daughter Marique - the bald witch, [actress Rose McGowan] and once again in the last image, Jason Momoa with a giant broad sword, forged from "fire and ice"

I still remember the scene with the middle pic in the second row, showing the two main bad guys... a daughter kneeling in front of her father.... with her eager hands on his loins.... and I thought: WTF ?? - that was obviously a creepy moment.

I've left out several scenes and gory battles in this review, opting to just give you highlights.

But I must confess that the ending sequence in the third/final act of the movie was not as properly directed as it could have been. It seemed like there was a lot of "cut and paste" going on with the action scenes, right after Conan interrupted the sacrificial ritual. Thus, things just didn't flow smoothly from that point.

The filming for this movie began on March 15, 2010 and concluded on June 5, 2010. And since it was released in August of 2011, there was more than enough time to properly edit the ending scenes.... since they just didn't feel properly coordinated, in my opinion. If you remember the later scenes in the Clash of the Titans movie released in 2010, you'll probably understand what I mean when I say it had a well-executed ending.

Also this new Conan movie needed more intermissions - slow-paced scenes that would make us care more about the heroes, allowing us to see their vulnerable sides.

Overall, I give the movie a B.... for Boobs, not for content, as there a lot of half-naked women shown here and there. I doubt there will be a sequel to this. But the Hawaiian born Jason Momoa [who stands at 6 feet 5 inches tall, shown above] is definitely built to be an action star... and rumors are already circulating about him and legendary actor Sylvester Stallone teaming up for an action movie.

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